We’re now on week 8 of this staying at home because of Covid-19 pandemic and I am very tired of being alone.
I know I’m not really a people person, but I guess I missed other people’s company.
Everyone seems also tired of these whole things and can’t wait to get back to our previous normal, but what can we say now about normal?
In my opinion, we’ll never get back to our previous common things or that normal things we used to have.
I guess eventhough we’ll eventually go outside again, get back to work again and everything, it will never be the same.
More over, we can’t tell when that time will come.
At the moment, we just have to adjust to this condition we have now.
I am not one who has adjust quickly to this situation and I think I’m still adjusting.
All previous value or things that I used to think important now are different, mostly if not completely.
I have my plans before this pandemic, now I’m thinking about to wait and see… but still time is ticking and don’t wait.
So, I have to decide and to choose, what are my important values and what are things that more important to pursue.
You might want to know what have I been doing this whole time?
Well, since we decided to just work at home eventhough the company still wanted us to go to the office with scheduled days.
I’ve been working according to company’s regulation.
We clock in on 8 am and on 1 pm for the afternoon one, then clock out on 5 pm. Take break for 1 hour on 12 pm.
In between, I will sit on my desk doing the tasks I have or maybe learning online on Tableau if I don’t have tasks need to do.
And, my God these activities are tiring as f*@$!
Also the obligation to make a list of tasks that we have done daily.
I don’t know why other people can leisurely do their cookings or maybe laundry, while I’ve been stuck to do just my job.
Before the ramadhan, sometimes I can make coffee or order foods via Gofood, but that’s it.
I guess I’m too afraid to be unable to unaccountably justify my tasks list if I write something I didn’t do or even didn’t write something I did. Do you understand?
I even listed down and timed the internet trouble or when my laptop is crashed.
Oh my God! I’m sick of it!
And then the worst part is… my upper superior (my boss’ boss) thought that I haven’t done managerial things good enough because I haven’t properly arranged weekly meeting with my team and that I haven’t given them proper attention during this Work From Home time.
Because she said, I didn’t see my team for so long, so I should know how they’re doing, if they’re sick or whatever.
She even treathen me if I’m not doing my job good enough, don’t expect to get the same bonus next year.
Not that my bonus is increasing every year, anyway… I guess getting significantly lower bonus not that surprising anymore.
WOW! Just wow!
I’m expected to give a proper attention to my team, while I also am expected to request the same level of attention from my direct supervisor (because among other things, other people is allowed to have crappy managerial skill while I’m not).
Don’t you see how tired I am with this whole situation of work? And what do I get from it?
That’s what I really need to examine and think carefully.
Let’s see.
She said I am a Senior Manager, while I’m not a senior yet and she didn’t realised that.
She said if I just do a mediocre level of performance, she’ll better give more appreciation to my other team’s member, because then they deserve better. Where is the logic? I don’t get it.
And then she said don’t say that I punish you without warning.
So it will be a punishment.
While there is not accountable method to do the yearly appraisal availabe in the company, how will she appraise if I will meet my goals or not?
And then I also haven’t deal with my direct superior’s situation.
So, I come to a conclusion, do I really want to do these all things?
Do they matter to me anyhow?
Do I matter to the company?
I try to see objectively to my function or contribution to my role in the company. To be honest, I haven’t see any different of me from my other team’s member. It just that I have (or bring along to be exact) of my previous title to the team.
Maybe, I haven’t really showed that I have the capability to lead the team. Maybe, I just blamed other people for my incompetent.
I know that I shared too much on my previous 1 on 1 with Mrs. Boss. That, while I’m not trust her that much, I have said things that I did regret about my direct supervisor. And now I have to do things I didn’t want to really do then.
I am not good at leadership or being bossy or doing things that I’m not directed to. I need clear direction, I’m not a full initiative kind of person.
While, my direct supervisor is a single fighter person, eventhough I’m not happy about it, I know I get away with it. I let him and now I should not let him. Do I really want that?
While I really can’t aim to have a further promotion, I don’t really want more obligation that come with it.
So, I don’t see that I should do more.
But what fair that would be for the company?
Since company always expects us to do much more before give a little more, I don’t think I appreciate the barter.
Still, I have to do more with not exactly fair rewards.
That’s me of doing more.
And what about me of doing things right now?
Did I have done enough? Or do I really want to be in this situation for maybe another year?
What good it does to my life in general?
Not that I haven’t spent my most waking hour for the job that I have, but back then… I still have to get (at the office) friends. I still can have the connection.
But if I should do things like this the whole time… I shouldn’t I want to spend my time to do things I appreciate more.
Now, that situation is not getting any better, how long do we have to do things like this?
We cannot tell now… or in near future.
And the thing that I guess we really can’t tell (even before but we or I don’t really consider as an urgent matter) that how long the time that we have in this life.
Do I can get out of this situation alive?
And what about my mother?
Not that we’re that close but since my brother’s passed away and these whole time being alone, I’m somekind of understand of how she’s being alone too.
I don’t know if she’s willing to move to our new house (if it’s ready) but I guess if I don’t have to work, I can go back to Malang anytime my husband is away for his work.
I know everything will change once I’m not working anymore (especially in our financial condition) but I guess everything has a price, right?
If I still want to be in an easy financial condition, I should still working all the time, but I will lose my oportunity to spend time with my mother and also with my niece, because of me being so far away.
Before this pandemic, I’ve never cross my mind of the inability to see my mother anytime I want… eventhough in reality, we really just come at the time of Hari Raya, but now even Hari Raya we cannot come.
For how long?
It makes me sad.
Previously, I have plan to resign on this month, after I get THR and I get to spend more time at home.
Then maybe on mid June or early July, I’m going to join the programming course.
I know deep down, I’m not really optimistic I can be excellence and land good freelance or project job out of the programming skill I’m going to have, but at least for a moment I will have something to do and hopefully I get be better later on.
Now, I don’t know what to plan, like I don’t have the trust to the future.
It’s like that I’m in a buble, in the stagnant condition, that I’m too afraid to be too optimistic.
It’s like that I even can’t trust my self.
I have lose my self confidence lately and now it’s like I don’t even know my capability anymore.
But I don’t want to rush my self, I can’t go anywhere anyway.
It’s me can functional everyday, I guess it’s already an accomplishment that I have to congratulate my self.
So I just will have to give my self time that I have no idea that I really have or not have.
So, for everything at stake, please be safe and hold on.
I hope there are still so much out of this life for us.
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