Die and Dying

Have you ever consider death?

I think I have, though not really in a dramatic way of wish for it or by ending my own life... because I guess I wouldn't stand the hurt...

When we're I'm thinking about death, I guess I seldom think about what happen to me in the after life, because I think I believe that I wouldn't know or wouldn't even can guess what happen, hence why bother...

I'm always thinking about what I've left behind...
How about my husband... how he will take care of himself and out cats... will he drown himself with his works... and so on and so on...
Good possessions sometimes also came across my minds, what about my many books, should I write a will to whom my husband should give my books to? What about my social media's accounts?

But then... I'm thinking what about if my husband left me first? What am I going to do alone?

It's depressing I know...
But can't help my self to think that we cannot tell anything about our time in this world, we can die anytime sooner or later...

Really... It's the most real thing that can happen to us anytime...

I think that's also one of the thing that has made me to decide that I want to learn how to code...
That I don't want to be stuck to do thing I hate everyday and more hate and almost made me hate myself for being unable to force my self to not hate it... I know maybe I'm not making my self clear here... But I just hate my job every day... And lately all I can do is thinking that I will not do it again in near future... That thing is the only one that can make going...

That by being able to have a new skill, somehow I can do something else, hopefully that I can like it much better that doing the things I should do now... That somehow I almost don't really care what I'll become instead of just doing things that I do now...

That I think my life is too precious to hate things... to hate people... to depress about being undervalued by someone who doesn't care about me...

That without growing I'm as well as dying...

Have you think about things like that?

...
Hari Jumat kemaren, pagi2 di kantor dapet WA dari suami yang bikin agak shock... dapet kabar bahwa istri sepupu suami meninggal semalemnya... Waktu itu belum tau penyebabnya tapi baru tau kalau tadi pagi Almarhumah gak bangun lagi dan sudah meninggal 6 jam... Masih muda, seumuran suami deh...

I don't want to talk bad about anybody...
But I think it's kind of tragic story...

Setelah suami telepon pamannya.... dapet cerita begini... Hari Kamis Almarhumah masih ngantor dan mengaku sakit kepala, sempet tiduran di musholla kantornya, tapi trus masih lanjut kerja... Setelahnya kurang jelas... Yang kemudian diceritakan adalah si suami Almarhumah besokannya kebangun sudah agak siang, sekitar jam setengah 8 dan merasa heran kenapa Almarhumah belum bangun... Ternyata Almarhumah sudah meninggal di tempat tidur.

Jadi memang banyak hal yang kurang jelas dan agak mengganjal... Tapi kami gak bisa nanya detailnya karena banyak hal... Salah satunya adalah karena si suami Almarhumah sempat bersitegang dengan Bapak Mertua beberapa minggu lalu di WA grup keluarga suami (aku gak ikutan di grup itu sih, cuma diceritain aja dan sempat baca sedikit hal yang sempet bikin si suami Almarhumah "tersinggung" sama Bapak Mertua...

Intinya adalah tentang bagaimana sikap kita terhadap anggota keluarga kita yang sedang sakit dan bisa saja ini adalah kesempatan "terakhir" kita.

Tersinggungnya karena PakDe suami sakit dan keluarga besar suami merasa, istri dan anak2nya kurang perhatian, jadi si suami Almarhumah tersinggung pada saat Bapak Mertua share tulisan yang diklaim oleh Bapak Mertua bersifat umum sedang si suami Almarhumah merasa tulisan tersebut sindiran terhadap keluarganya.

Then this happen... So awkward and too painful to discuss...
Too afraid that it will also happen to any of us...
This is only my opinion though...
So many questions that I think they would be so unrelated now that the only left thing to do is to send prayer for her...

So sad to imagine to die or dying alone but not really... Her husband was nearby, right?
So sad that actually we wouldn't know how we might die...
So sad that when we die... We just die... And nothing we can do about it...

One other thing, it might seem inappropriate thing to think after the sad thinking about die and dying, but have you ever thought about what underwear you'll wear when you die? That it will be so sad if you wear ugly underwear?
But we wouldn't even care no more anyway, right?