random thought...

this's written on 17.11.2013

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sekarang lagi agak "ngirit" budget internet… cuma ambil paket 25ribu untuk internet di HP yang untungnya bisa dijadiin modem… pake XL, paket 25ribu itu bisa dapet kuota 500MB di jam 12.01-00.00 dan 5GB di jam 00.01-12.00 jadi kalo mau internetan di laptop mending di jam2 itu…

sebenernya dulu sih gak gitu perhitungan soal pulsa internet, karena dulu pake AHA, 100ribu bisa dapet 7GB… cukup banget bwat dipake berdua sama suami, secara kan aku juga di kantor seharian juga free internet, tapi… di kantor kan seringnya banyak kerjaan dan untuk donlot di kantor juga susah… donlotnya sih gak masalah, bawa pulangnya yang masalah… di kantor port USB-nya diblok… ya gitu deh…

kenapa sekarang gak pake AHA lagi? karena sinyalnya menyebalkan… lemot abis…
akhirnya suami beli modem baru, modem wifi gitu… bagus sih… tapi entahlah… kaya'nya aku emang gak bisa bersahabat baik sama simpati/telkomsel yaaa… susah manage-nya… boros banget… sekarang akhirnya ya sudahlah… isi pulsa pas 60ribu, ambil paket yang "katanya" 3GB… klo abis, isi pulsa lagi, cancel paketnya, daftar lagi…
berapa kali tuh pulsa 90ribu tau2 abis… atau pulsa 40ribu tiba2 abis… sama sekali gak ketauan abisnya… jadi ngalah aja deh biar suami yang pake modem itu… aku ya udah pake modem HP aja…

sayangnya aku sama sekali bukan manusia pagi… i can't wake up early and i surely can't have lack of sleep… i'll be sleepy all day… akhir2 ini lumayan juga sih… kadang2 bisa bangun subuh banget dan online… terutama untuk donlot2… :D

eh iya koq jadi ngebahas soal modem dan paket internet ya? :d

padahal aku mau nulis tentang… kerjaan… yup! i know that i just shared about not going to talk about my office… tapi gak koq… aku sebisa mungkin gak akan nyebutin dimana aku kerja dan sebisa mungkin gak akan ngebahas tentang kebijakan kantor yang ajaib2 itu… XD

aku sendiri kerja sejak tahun 2000, ikutan management trainee dulu trus merintis karir… sampe sekarang aku sudah pernah kerja di 4 perusahaan… atau mungkin 5 klo kerjaan 2 lagi yang part time itu dihitung… sebenernya yang 1 gak ada uangnya dan yang 1 lagi gak jelas uangnya… :D

anyway… yang 2 itu gak usah dibahas kali yaa… anggep aja "ngebantuin" temen…

di perusahaan pertama sebenernya kalo mau ngakuin adalah the best carreer i have… yeah! i know… penyesalan itu datangnya belakangan, klo duluan itu namanya pendaftaran… [ya kan Ndah? :D ] - sebenernya dulu itu… dalam waktu 7 tahun, aku sudah bisa punya posisi setingkat manager… entah apa yang ada dipikiran dulu… koq aku dengan santainya ninggalin semua itu trus pindah ke kantor berikutnya yang sama sekali gak aku sukai… sepertinya karena uang… :D

perusahaan yang kedua made me nervous, and i cried because i didn't want to go to the office, and finally i resigned after maybe about 5 days working there… yes! i was so pathetic… but i couldn't force my self to the things i didn't want to do…

i was jobless… and i beg to God to give me another job… then i got the thing that i called doing a favor for friend, i guess the begging begin after i helped the friend… anyway… i had a job as a manager in a small office… i got married, i didn't like the job anymore, with an execuse that i need to take rest to have children, i quit again…

yes! penyesalan datengnya belakangan… setelah 6 bulan di rumah, i jumped for the first job offering… i guess it was the first, got accepted but down graded my position as an assistant manager…

so what happened now?

what happened is… kenapa sekarang posisi/jabatan itu penting ya? apa karena banyak teman/orang lain yang sudah jadi manager semua? kaya'nya gak juga sih… kenapa sekarang uang penting banget yaa… padahal dulu gak juga sih… mungkin karena sekarang apa2 mahal dan sekarang begitu banyak keinginan yang aku pengen ya?

setelah perusahaan kami merger dengan perusahaan lain yang menurutku kurang menyenangkan… aku sama sekali gak merasa betah… dulu aku suka perusahaan ini… dulu, waktu namanya gak sepanjang sekarang, dulu waktu perusahaan ini punya peraturan dan cara kerja yang keren, yang sangat teratur, bahkan sepertinya untuk bernafas aja di kantor ada step2 tertentu yang harus dilalui… i don't mind at all… every thing is so neat… but now… i hate my office… i have the new people… who… who… anyway, i don't like my office now… and i'm considering of moving… if there is a right position…

klo dulu, aku gampang aja mutusin untuk berenti kerja, kalo sekarang… aduh rasanya sayang banget yaaa… ngeberentiin aliran dana gajian yang biasanya aku dapet tiap bulan… >.<

rasanya sedih juga sih sama keterikatan ini… rasanya aku jauh gak independen lagi… ketergantungan dan merasa sedikit takut akan kehilangan, yang seharusnya gak gitu kan?

minggu lalu… ada assessment di kantor, ada psychotest dan ada role play, lalu ada interview… and i was nervous… i have never so nervous about psychotest before in my whole life…
surely i made a couple of mistakes during my test… and i just realized… that maybe, i am not as good as i thought anymore… there are so much i need to do to improve my self…

especially, while i want to be a manager, but right now… i guess i'm not that confident to be one… that i'm worry that i'm not good enough, not kind enough, not have knowledge enough, not tough enough, not have good relationship with my boss enough, that i feel a little bit jealous with someone that not even here yet, but will come home with a title "someone who used to work at the head office" and with someone who close enough with people who are going to be my subordinates… why the h#ll that i'm worry so much right now?

where is my confidence, me alone against the world? *ihiks… let me nangis dipojokan dulu yak??*

refering to my post earlier, remember that i said i just kind of childish inside… yeah… i don't want to feel old, but i also don't wanna be childish too…

while i want to be a good leader, tapi aku juga gak mau jadi leader yang berpura2… i want to be leader that care… tapi aku juga gak mau "dimanfaatkan" oleh anak buah juga… oh my… so many expectation over my self by my self already…

kalau diperhatikan, at least at my office, gak semua manager is a nice leader too… nice here mean leader that care, leader who isn't busy with his own matter, leader who wants to know what's going on with his subordinates…

dulu, waktu di perusahaan pertama, aku punya leader who cares, who nice… at least leader that i would come to if i have problems, not a leader that i hesitate to come "even if" i have problems…

why should i worry about the things that not even start yet? just because i'm there, not necessarily that i should be one of the candidate, right? even though the boss said so, who knows what changes his mind, right?

anyway, even though i really didn't like the assessment, and not have (probably will never have) the result yet, i guess i can really see my self yesterday, that i'm not as good as i thought i am… and maybe my ex boss was right afterall, that i'm not ready to be in a higher position yet, now…

maybe i don't have to worry about that now… maybe if i just relax and do my job well enough, i can have my other job at another company which is better than this one… i can be a better manager then…
though, i think i'm not going to quit now… i'm not running away again… i will face anything in front of me… even if that means i'm going to be a subornates of someone that i know not better than my self… :d then… if that happens, lets just try to find another better job somewhere else… :D

okay, meanwhile… stop worrying… and start to upgrade my self to be a good leader, i guess, i have to spend my time for other than reading romance… i guess i will try to find a good leadership reading… maybe i need to find a nice group for that leadership upgrade things… maybe…

wish me luck, okay? i need that huge…. ;-)


updated:
yesterday, me and husband opened new bank account, and sometimes when we filled our personal data, in my opinion, it's quite easy when we have job to fill in the blank queries, just like that we have something to rely on to...

off course, people has their own opinion and perspective regarding to their job or career means to them... as i recall one of my recent conversation with a friend, that since he seems not longer in position to like his job, he was considering to move job to a nearby office from his home... there's a company which has its head office in Cikarang... but what his wife's got to say about the company? she wouldn't approved her husband to move there, because... it's a local company (while our company is a japanese joint venture company), she considered it to be a small office which is located in a shop-office building... i didn't realize before that... but off course, there's opinion which is considering company to work with as my friend's wife... maybe after all, i was just being naive...