Anxious & Depression

I think I've been live in my life stupidly... hahah!

I've let myself wondered around aimlessly and thought that every thing just fine, if I can hang in there just a little while... and after a while I just become numb... what the hell did I think of myself?

Just a while ago, a thought came up to me... that actually I can be whatever... hell with style, habit and everything... I can be a new person anytime and... I don't know if that's I really want to do either...

So... it's 45 years I've been living in this world... I've been think a lot about twins number... if I end up died on my 22nd years old... but eventually I'm married on 33rd years old and actually I changed my life again at my 44th years old by leaving my daily job.

Have I been happy with my life? I supposed so...

I have a wonderful husband with more than enough money. I really couldn't complaint...

But I know that I'm anxious and easily depressed... that's why I thought that I should be more careful with my life and give it more attention to live a more conscious life.

Morning is the least favorable time for me, if I missed the time to wake up... then I'll be miserable at least until 12pm, more or less.

Pilates definitely helped a lot.

So... I've been thinking about do more pilates for 3 times a week, to use my quota before we move to Depok.

On hold Korean lesson until I can read and hopefully also talk more fluently.

Will continue to study Spanish because already enrolled for 2.1 level on Aula Cervantes.

Catch up the Web Programming and graduated from Pacmann, because it's hopelessly without progress anyway.

Will try to do a personal podcasting on reading Korean text or maybe personal blog, without video just sound. Because of the depression, I guess I need to talk, but I really don't want to talk to a psychologist, not really think that s/he might help anyway. So I will just to myself and listen to it. Similarly like I did on this blog. Maybe I'll read my entry on this blog randomly. Will try a video editing too...

Will try to be conscious about my posture at any moment... because I think without noticing I also strained myself most of the time.

From Matt Haig: The Comfort Book.

Protection

 Once upon a time I felt pressure not to let people down. I stayed doing work I hated. Went to parties I didn't really want to be at. Saw people I found agonisingly hard to converse with. Faked every smile.

And then my mind exploded.

After which I realised it is better to let people down that to blow yourself up.

I was exploded silently without me even noticing... After I resigned, my anxious feeling and depression somehow worsen. I don't think I'm doing better even now, but some days it felt fine... and other days I felt like that I want to drown in my own cry.

And sometimes I realised that I don't love my self enough.

So... I guess to become a better self, first thing to do is to love me more.

Hence, dear me... I love you and happy birthday!