What if?

It’s been a really hard phase for me lately…

It’s been a while since she’s gone… at least for me, she’s kind of like an anchor to express my feeling (not all of course), but she’s just there… sometimes she would responded the way I wanted to hear, sometimes she didn’t… but the point is she’s there...

and now that she’s gone… I’m just floating around trying so hard to just be here… 

I don’t know and haven’t figuring out what is the true reason of my existence… and lately I don’t even know the reason I should keep living… I should keep doing the things that I did…

I know the reason I keep working is money.

I’m trying to get the money factor out of the equation, will I’ll be more happy to live my life?

I’m trying to figure out what would I do if I really, really quit my job and never ever again applying to do corporate job.

I used to dream of being a writer… but then I guess… I just good at dreaming without any real effort of being one.

Let’s listed all the dreams I once had:

- I once dreamed of playing guitar, I bought one and never really tried to play it.

- I once dreamed of sketching on a notebook that can be connected digitally… but again it’s really a dumb device, I hate it… and most of all, I can’t draw anything… hhmm… maybe I’ll buy those doodling books?

- I once dreamed of writing a book (or anything I guess), and that’s why I want to try to learn about programming because learning how to code it’s just like learning a new language…

And because I really don’t have that kind of imaginative ability, I knew that I don’t really can write that well… and that’s why I think writing code is a better option for me…

Well, though I really haven’t tried hard to make it happen anyway…

I thought that if I really want it… I should’ve fought for it, make it happen… right?

I think I will try to count and plan what I really-really want to do…